271016 ~ a new start

Every year it has happened that I start feeling bad as the time nears to my bday comes, things also fall in such a series that I feel why the hell I was even born, I feel more irritated that why do I feel this on any happy occasion & why does it happen to me year after year. Why it does not end … 

Why to fear the pains in life specially when we know there is a definite end to the life, to narrate this fact let’s take the story of Hanuman. Who does not know about hanuman, he is the bible of God Ram & the biggest devotee to him. We all know hanuman is the most powerful version of Shiva, but he was also scared of one thing & that was when God Ram decided to end his life as the purpose of his birth was over. Hanuman stood like a mountain between Ram & yumraj (God of death), so to distract Ram drops his ring in the ocean & tells hanuman to go 4 its search, Hanuman in mixed feeling to stop yum uncle or to go for ring search on order of his god. So finally he chooses the later one & go for the search. He keeps going down the ocean & crosses all the 7 layers of each and reaches the core of earth where snake king Vasuki lives. Hanuman ji polity asks Sir, have u seen any ring to come this way, Vasuki points his finger to a mountain of rings. Hanuman ji in hurry rushes to the location & pics the top most ring & to his excitement it was the ring of RAM, he got super duper happy. He just saw again to the mountain and find 2,3 all rings are of RAM, he goes in a situation of a complete shock. The snake god comes and tells him world is a continuous journey and it never ends. We are just a participate to the happening & every thing has to end. With all supreme power of his also he can’t stop yum uncle to take Ram. It has to happen and world has to end. He explains that falling of ring, a monkey coming to search it and a handsome price dyeing is a story running for ages and it will keep on happening for infinite period of time.

Hanuman realized that his entry into Nag-lok and his encounter with this mountain of rings was no accident. It was Ram’s way of telling him that he could not stop death from coming. Ram would die. The world would die. But like all things Ram would be reborn each time the world is reborn. So it would be forever. This world we live in goes through cycles of life and death. Each life cycle of the world is called a kalp.

Same goes for us, we get practically attached to each and any essence of love & relation that we get in our life and when it ends we feel a terrible amount of pain. It can practically be an attachment to a phone se to a lover to parents to food to water to air to money.  We need to understand that world is a “shanbhagur” every-thing will end and none of us can control it. If some-one like Hanuman could not then we are too week to and so we should stop thinking of what we are losing and concentrate on the things that we have with us. 

Life is for once and we should be happy to live it to fullest. I am not saying stop the fight thinking that every-thing has to end so why should I put efforts, I strongly believe God is also forced to change his plan on the basis of dedications of the individual .. keep loving keep living and keep fighting J

Forgive me lord Ram, Hanuman ji, Yum ji & Vasuki ji if I have narrated it in any wrong way.

being fat

A new religion / caste .. being fat .. 

May be to lot of ppl this does not even matter as u would have never though that does a fat person have a heart to feel that they are fat ?

actually we the fat ppl surely have a heart .. trying to narrate this from a girls point of view though its very difficult as I am not a girl but I have seen this so many times.

In our society, girl is judged by 2 things, her physical size (appearance) & other is u can guess ....

Childhood
I guess I have never been thin, since child hood I was fat, but at that time things were different every one like me more because I am chubby with fat cheeks & all use to enjoy playing with those. Slowly slowly I grew up and noticed that I am not like others because I carry lot of extra pounds in compare to others.

Teen
Guys started looking at me at a much early age as my breast took the shape as I was fat but that was just start of an ugly ending. Even though, with fatness I have a good height but people my class mates were quite busy noticing the girls who were skinless, tiny as there appearance appealed them more & thats a fact which we agree here or not

Where ever I use to go, ppl use to say fatty has come, after a point of time the name fatty was more acceptable then my own name. Though I had many friends because I was good at every other thing that did not involve showcasing of my physical appearance.

College n adulthood
I could be the best friend of 100's of ppl in the college but I never had any one I could say as my best friend. In canteen some would even call me a samosa .. that was just too much.

After a point of time ur near & dear one also pull back the string of support, mom & dad we always tensed that how will I get married because I am fat, they don't see that I am highly educated girl and earn good sum of money for my self. Standing on legs is more imp then crying for the fatness ?

Asking for a plus size jeans or tee was like I have asked ur balls out in a shop & this has happened so many times, shopkeeper are more interested in servicing other girls as they are not fat and I am .. I just don't want to loose who I am & what to be what I am, it just feels like as we have black n white in skin discrimination we have thin n fat too. Its just that fat ppl dont have any rights.

Every guy also wants a fair, thin slim n beautiful wife but no one whats a fat wife or a fat GF. No one is willing to see me beyond my body, I even have a heart that loves, cares for you way more then any other person will do.

I did what not and at what all age & timing to reduce weight, went for gym, morning walk, yoga, dieting, pills n what not but why ? just because I am fat ?  why should I stop eating the chocalate I love ? just because as per u I am fat.

Getting attention, getting credit for ur body, guys getting behind you, first sight love, being called u look the best in the group, wearing cloths with out any tension etc etc, who does not what that .. but I have never got any ..

Be a man to accept a girl with a good heart and not just appearance .. world is "shanbhagur" it will end one day for sure .. every thing has to end & hence beauty will also end .. 

So this is the 6th time i am starting to write on this but not able to conclude .. 

blank thought

This is the feeling I am enjoying as well as I am feeling bad, don’t know how to express what am I feeling but not sure that I am happy or sad...

Feeling this world is full of selfish people who just use God as there tool to get happiness and now I feel I don’t do that so I don’t get happiness that I am looking for... God has just become a tool for every and any one & if I dont go to temple it clearly means that I wont be blessed by God, honestly God I feel I am missing the blessing from u. I want that love n care but from no where I can get it.

God, I dont know what human wants, what he has .. in all situation he is not happy as want is always more then what we have .. we dont get what we want, every thing is ur game .. u are one who decides every thing, what I should get n what not. But when I dont get some thing that I want, u very well know the pain that I face. Dont you know that ? that pain is so bad & I will act cranky on that for sure n will face lot more prob because of it. Now when I behave cranky with person I want now I observe a unsaid silence between me n that want. I am so aware that why this happens to me, I don't like the feeling of IGNORANCE .. it just kills me ..

I know its karma & if u have rejected love, karma will apply it back to u & make sure that u also dont get the love. Same thing is happening to me. I have destructed multiple relations in my life so its hard or next to impossible to get love :( .. I dont know till when will this continue .. how do I applogise that things settle in my life ..  

Today feeling that I really don’t have a single friend with whom I can share any of my feeling, I feel that I am so alone and I really feel that no one is with me. I feel that I am so alone but I am with only myself. I am feeling so alone what to do, this time I have gone crazy n shouted n spoken to my self, I dont know I did not have any other alternative .. I was alone .. I try to think of whom to call and I really don’t have any one with whom I can talk my heart out. I am like what to do and what not to do.

I am tired of myself, I really lost everything and now I am left with nothing but just this loneliness and myself.

Feeling of a one sided lover

Looking back to the relation that we shared, I always felt that you will become my girlfriend & then a life partner, we both shall be sharing the same room & then the apartment. We might would have kids if you wanted or else all my love would have been just for you. We both would have been there for each other and grown old in the woods taking each-other’s hand and walking pass the world. But,

I am having a real hard time accepting that whatever I had thought has gone for a toss and you are no longer a part of my life. At times I keep staring at your whatsapp DP just think now you will get online and ping me, you surely get online but never ping me. Its time that I have heard all possible excuses from your side that why you did not call or what went wrong in office and so you are out of touch with me. I keep waiting for you to return to my world but I am only awarded with sorry, I failed to be in touch. Time have come that daily meetings, to daily calls, to weekly calls, to now on need basis calls.

One person who heard my story of your says that may be there is a very high probability that she knows that I love her but I never felt you do. Its really very difficult for me to walk on from here as everytime I speak to you I feel it will be again like the last wonderful conversation we had at night 3 AM. But, to my luck I don’t even feel you remember any of our conversation.

I keep thinking about you, I build hundreds of imaginary scenarios though my head until I get convinced that I am just wasting time and nothing like this is going to happen in realty. It just hurt till I bust into tears (though they don’t run down my cheeks)

Somewhere I know you belong to someone else and so if someday if you even come to me I don’t know how will we close the open years that I have suffered without you. Blindly waiting for you just like an owl waits for sunrise to go for sleep, I also do that each day waiting for a phone call from your side & may be that is the major reason that I cant sleep.

Our relation was purely onesided but I kept waiting for you thinking someday you will feel the same that I feel for you, I have checked my self in all possible ways that do I fit in your requirements, all answers are yes but only thing missing is you and love.

Relationship in one sided love is really bad because you have started loving someone in your brain with no scope of fights or rejection, this goes so deep into you that you just cant come out of it when you want. I have a hard time accepting our almost relationship is over, because I feel like it barely started. There were so many more things I wanted to learn about you. There were so many things I planned on doing with you

I guess you never intended on keeping me around for more than a little while, but an entire future unfolded in my mind. I had plans for us. I had dreams for us. I know we were only an almost but our connection felt like so much more than that. It feels like I have been dumped. Like a long-term relationship has ended. Please come back, I beg for you.

When it comes down to it, I have been having such a hard time getting over you, because I don’t want to get over you. I want things to go back to the way they were. I want you back in my world

I just miss you more then what I live  

What happens when u feel alone

So, at this junction of my life .. I was watching a bollywood movie called as "taree zameen par", actually I use to hate this movie when it had come in its time. That time also I felt its very close to me but slowly I realised my life is not as bad as what I think and so I did not understand the movie to the depth .. this is the story for every individual who is away n alone from his family, though he is away to make dreams of his / her parents true .. but in this mass dream making individual looses them self

At this junction of life when I look back to that movie, I feel its not only when u are kid that u need love and care but when u are at a matured age also, u need lot more love, a hug, a kiss .. its not that u demand the same form a partner (dont miss understand want of love to be that of physical) but this can be from a family, friend or a life partner. I stay alone since last 7 years and have barely any connect with my family, bro, sisters etc. Today if I look back I actually think I miss that love, lot of decisions would had been more simpler if some one would had told I am holding u just jump. Taking all decision by ur self may be makes u strong but also makes u lot more week with each decision of ur failing.

I am not saying that staying alone is what is kind of hurting me as that is what I choose for my self. But nothing moving in life is hurting me. I dont know my decisions my job or my so called personal life are so cranky because of all that or there is some thing that is bothering me.

When I think to pen down my thoughts I feel I can write a book but in return what I do is just write few para that to not able explain my thoughts properly. May be I am worried that some one will read and find out who am I ?