heartbreak of loving someone u were never with

It’s everything you’ve ever wanted standing right in front of you but they aren’t yours to have. It’s every dream you thought of, imagining a life together but the closest you’ll ever get to it is when they meet you in your dreams. It’s waking up alone and looking over at a bed you wish they were in. It’s your heart breaking but you can’t even say anything because how do you explain or justify heartbreak when it’s someone you aren’t even with?

So you painfully walk away looking over your shoulder one or more times. You begin to question love all but entirely. You question yourself and your judgment. You wonder why can’t it be so simple? And you’re left with no other choice but to move on. But you really dont want to move on. 

Time moves on and the ache in your heart begins to fade away. But the honest truth about loving someone you can’t be with is no matter how long you spend apart and grow on your own, those feelings don’t just go away. These feeling wont let you sleep nor let u stay awake. This feeling will just not let you live, nothing will work for you, no logics will matter in life, only thing that will be able to help u is love form her which is just not going to happen. 

The honest truth is sometimes regardless of how good you might be for each other it just won’t happen, it just does not matter who is she with, you thought she is Miss Perfect for you but it might happen that she is searching her Mr. Perfect.  The right love is something we’d define as perfection but the right love at the wrong time are a lot of people’s reality. Why did it became yours, there is no answer to this.

There’s no way really to move because no matter what step you take it will never be one together. But there will come a time where you cross paths and every emotion will hit you like a wave and you’ll find yourself drowning in those same feelings you thought you left behind long ago. It will just kill you. Each day you try to run away from the situation from meeting them as you know you will break when u talk or meet with them as u are not looking at them as they are looking at you. 

But the pain is real. The love is deep. And it cuts you to a point where you’re on your knees crying alone because the only thing that hurts more than heartbreak is finding the right person when you or they aren’t ready for it. They dont even have a idea of what you are going through. Pain turns to panic attacks to not have any power to live but still you dont want to do anything wrong & hurt her more.

It’s hard to come to terms with love being both beautiful and heartbreaking. But that’s the reality of loving someone you can’t be with.

You walk around with all these feelings you don’t even know what to do with because the only person you feel something for is the same one who cannot receive these intense emotions that keep you up at night. There is no end to the pain, you just feel like going to her and telling her every thing but you know if you speak a word also you will loose her completely. 

Sometimes love just isn’t enough to make something work & worst feeling is when you know one of the main reason of her not being close to you is some one the mistakes that you made. 

You’ll look this person in the eyes and know whatever that ‘it’ is, it’s still there. And it burns you from the inside out with just a simple look. And one simple encounter will prove to you some things never change

I think there are such things as soulmates not ending up together & that is what you are for me. And as much as I don’t want to believe that, I think you can go your entire life holding a little piece of your heart for someone else. Is that not worth it ? I totally feel its worth to wait for her. 

World hits you so bad that nothing can help !! so ..... 

how it feels when someone you thought u could love leaves you

It was few months ago when I had met her for the first time. This was the person who I genuinely thought would be the true love of my life, soulmate types. This was the person I thought I would end up spending the rest of my life with.

I met a girl who had somehow found a way to break through my emotional walls and tap into my soul in a way that I had never felt before. She was able to establish a kind of connection with me that I hadn’t felt with anyone else in my life. She was someone who somehow found a way to make me open myself up to her on a level that I wasn’t comfortable with – and yet anyone else, it all felt so right.

I emotionally undressed before her. I was as naked as one could get in front of this girl. She just managed to awaken something in my life that I never even knew existed. And when she did trigger that little something inside of me, it was as if a light bulb just turned on. It felt like a flame just ignited inside of me and the passion was burning me from the inside. I felt like I had somehow been set free from a cage that I never knew I was in, to begin with.

At that time, I thought I was living out the big love story that I had always wanted for myself. But it turns out that I was living a lie that just looked like something that I terribly wanted. It turns out that I was merely living in a delusion.

I fell for a man who just didn’t love me the way that I loved her. I loved her to a point that she just couldn’t go herself. And it was one of the most painful realizations that I have ever had come to. It hurt me very deeply to know that she could never grow to love me in the same way that I had loved her.

However, even though things didn’t necessarily go to plan; even though I never got what I wanted; even though life chose to go a completely different direction from what I expected, I sincerely can’t deny the ssheer significance of that point in my life. Will never again feel such feelings for anyone ever again.

Faith in unsaid TIME

Phases of pain when your best friend turns you down & ignores you

Part I (overall)

We all value different kind of relationships more than other in our life. For me friendship is one which is the most satisfying of all the relations as there is no specific bondage attached to it.

Friendship is something that builds you up, supports you, keep you going specially when you have completely given up. Some friendships are toxic; they break you down and hurt you, but out of all the heartbreak you come out as a stronger and better version of yourself. But some friendships are for life & they become your life. They are the freshair that you need to breath.

Most of us miss-understand how can someone be so close & still we don’t expect anything apart of friendship, that’s why its called friendship. No matter what type of friendship it is, it surely has purpose in your life.

There are friends that I used to have that are no longer in my life, but that does not mean I don’t appreciate everything that those friends did for me. I know that I wouldn’t be alive today, let alone the version of myself I am now, had I not had those friends.

Thank you for supporting me and loving me when I did not know how to love myself. Thank you for moulding me into the person I am finally proud to be. Thank you for leading me closer to my purpose and thank you for allowing me the absolute honor of having you all own a piece of my heart.

Just because you are no longer in my lives does not mean that I do not love you with every inch of my soul. Any past fights or horrible words said I’ve long forgotten and forgiven, and I hope you’ve done the same. I only think of you with love. I reminisce in happy memories and look back on my time with you with absolute love. There’s no regret in my heart.

I know that you are also no longer with me for a reason. Maybe we will reconnect one day or maybe we won’t. But each of you changed my life for the better, and for that I am forever grateful to you

Part II (when they vanish)

You just vanished, At one point, you had me convinced that I did something wrong somewhere between all those laughs and happy moments we shared together. How was it fair to be the one who was left behind and still made believe that I was the one lacking in the relationship?

Days will turn into months. Days that I will try waking up in the morning with the hope it wouldn’t sting that much anymore. Months that I diverted my attention thinking this would make me forget but only to see a single thing that would make all our memories resurface.

I was lonely, sad, mad, and hurt. I was terrorized by my own false hopes. I thought getting you back would heal the wounds and we could return to square one. But you are detrimental to me. I was so obsessed of trying to have you in my life again that I forgot how happy I can be without the toxicity you caused me. You just forgot I exist, you knew that I was in pain & to what logic you refused to come back & talk. What were you so hurt for, we all make mistakes & so did I, but have u your self never made any mistake ? And now every time I look for gentleness in your palms, it reminds me of the sharp stings you gave me.

I am running away from you, When it becomes really hard to breath, we all have faced such a situation in our life where for no reason circumstances change in a flick of a second and it just become impossible to survive that change.

Part III (Hard to breath as cant manage without you)

Life puts a vice on you in a way you can’t explain, it just becomes impossible. I can’t put into words the constriction in my soul. I don’t know how it got there, I just know it comes and goes as it pleases, like a wayward lover. I am just wounded. My soul tied in knots, goosebumps on my skin, an unforgiving chill runs down your spine, my legs freeze & I don’t have stamina to get down from bed. My stomach, unable to settle, caving in on itself. 

Sometimes I have to slow down to a crawl, so I can escape in the underground tunnel of my faith – which is most often buried under the concrete that weighs of my spirit down. There will be days where the best thing I can do is nothing at all. Feel the heaviness…cry it out…sleep it off. There’s no definition to my version of self care. But even in those days where the pain seems unending, remember the faith buried deep inside you that, once released, will carry me to freedom.

Freedom from what? From the prison created by your deepest fears.

I may fear that I are inadequate, unworthy of warmth and compassion. I may fear that I will fail. That my dreams will never be attained. 

But for all !!

Every day that dawns you have the chance to rise, like the sun. You may have crawled inside yourself, but you can emerge from that darkness into the light that your faith creates. You don’t have to fear hope – that maybe the door opens and your dream comes to fruition..that maybe the hand you extend will be enveloped by another…that maybe, just maybe, today you will feel the warmth that releases your soul from the from the chains fear created.

I am here to validate your struggles. But I am also here to remind you that the space you occupy in the world is valuable. You matter – no matter what you may have told yourself or been told by someone else. You are beyond adequate – you are magnificent. You are beyond worthy – you are priceless. You may have scars, but that is where the light can get in and the shadows are chased out. Every breath you take, though labored is a testament to your strength – another chance to get through. Another step towards your light.

Faith is another breath away. Breathe in, my darling. Breathe in .. 

summary of life

Life if your own beautiful journey, but I have learnt few pin points to understand life in a better way & to live it in a beautiful way.

1.       Desires – simple meaning is want, want is unlimited (we all studies this in economies), entire concept of demand & supply comes from here & so is desire to our life. When we want someone thing supply of it seems limited & when we get that we stop valuing it as now we have a urge of having some new desire. Our heart can’t stay without desire ever .. LET GO

2.       Expectation – this is mother of all innovations & all pains to human, expectation leads to anger, lie, jealousy, EGO & frustration. These are the key demons that we need to fight in life .. LIVE IN PRESENT

3.       We all are born out of nature & ultimate truth of nature is it changes. Seasons change, planet rotates, day become night and night becomes day, same is with situations in our life. Whatever situation we are in today will surely change and we will see a different tomorrow (it can be good or bad that I am not sure) – WHAT YOU DO YOU GET THAT KARMA

4.       Life will surely end, whatever you do, how much you try to preserve your life, a day will come & u will go. So will your near & dear and so the people who are bothering you today. Whatever ability you have nothing you can do infront of this. So better ACCEPT SITUATIONS AS THEY ARE

5.       In a negative mindset, how hard you may think, your brain will go in a negative direction. So if surrounded by negative thoughts just sit & relax. Think something positive & don’t end up taking any wrong decision. LAW OF ATTRACTION

Life is not at all religious, religion is your body, take care of you body & mind even before anything else. If you will be happy, you shall be able to make others happy.

love some one different ..

World is changing and so is the way love is defined is changing. So just to that I thought of looking at the partner very differently. Why not fall in love with someone who treats you like shit .. You should date someone who treats you terribly. Who treats you in a way that makes all of your friends wonder what the hell you’re thinking.

Find someone who never texts you back and always lets you initiate plans and never makes an effort. Find someone who belittles you and makes you question their feelings because they can never be bothered to take two seconds to tell you. Find someone who uses you and who makes you feel disposable and who can never seem to be there when you actually need them. Be with someone who doesn’t care about your needs, your wants, your ambitions, your thoughts. Find someone who never asks about your family and disappoints you repeatedly and never says they’re sorry. Find someone who doesn’t care about you.

Find someone who treats you like shit.

And then date them. Fall for them. Go blind to their behavior. Make excuses for them and justify why you’re the only one who gets them, who knows who they really are. Pretend like everything is fine and convince yourself it is. Convince yourself that you can change them, that you are the only person who understands them and why they are the way they are. Believe that if you stick around, they will change and they will love you even more for always being there when they weren’t the person you needed them to be.

Love them in spite of everything, even when you know you probably shouldn’t.

And then get your heartbroken. Be devastated by it, by them. Sit there, holding yourself together and wonder what you did wrong. Question everything. Wonder if you had just been something else, something more, if it would have been enough for them to change and love you back. Blame yourself for their issues, for their shortcomings.

Blame yourself for why they treated you like shit.

But then…

You’ll pick yourself up. You’ll move on. You’ll wake up one morning and even though the memories of them and how they treated you will still be there, it won’t hurt anymore.

You should date someone who treats you like shit.

Because when you date someone who treats you like shit, you’ll realize how you ACTUALLY want to be treated.

You’ll go from being the person who shrugs off bad behavior, who excuses things, who puts pressure on themselves to behave a certain way while letting others do whatever, and you’ll turn into someone stronger. You’ll be better, stronger, more self-aware. You’ll turn into someone who knows what they want, and more importantly, what they deserve.

You should date someone who treats you like shit.

Because once you do, you’ll never let someone ever treat you like anything less than amazing, ever again

feeling of being unworthy

This story is about a person who use to choose everyone else before himself. No one every realized this as no one has time to see how this person was contributing to their life and hence nobody ever paid any attention to him. Most of the time he use to be happy to help others but he always failed to understand why no one ever understood his misery. Why no one cared how he is feeling though he rarely showed him. For him a simple fever to any of his friend was major thing but for his friend him being operated was also may be nothing. He never went to any one and ask WHY ..

One day, he heard in his own dream, that he (you) deserve much more love than what you can give to others around. You also deserve to be listened and be heard, you unseen tears are also equally important. Your own existence makes a very big significance to the earth. You deserve to feel cared for, simply because you are alive and your heart needs nourishment. You deserve to open your heart to someone because you carry something that no one else does. You deserve to be comforted because your heart needs to heal before you pour out the rare love it bears. You deserve so much more than what you think is good enough for you.

Over the years I have realized that one does not need to pass through the pains to understand the truth of life. If you feel this relationship is toxic today, give a try but if you still feel its toxic, then u have all rights to come out of it. You don’t need to settle for a compromised relation. All u need to do is to know you own worth and your value. To be very honest no one else apart of you can show you ur own worth. You are beautiful and strong, full of kindness and integrity. You are worthy of a love that is permanent. A love that never gives up. A love that values you for who you are.

So, start choosing your friends correctly, the one who truly recognize your beauty. The one who are ok to stay with you the way you are and not the way they want to see you. The ones who aren’t scared of minor challenges and ur mood swings. The ones who remind you of your worth and not of your uselessness. The ones who love to listen to your stories and not just tell their. The ones who wish to be with you. The ones who truly cherish your dreams and desires & help you to grow and get them. The ones who make you laugh shamelessly. The ones who wish more time with you. The ones who are patient with you. The ones you can simply trust and rely on. The ones who truly appreciate your existence. The ones who break and heal with you. The ones who want to experience life with you. And most importantly, the ones who love you. 

Don’t let others miss-treat you

When they are not putting efforts dont force them to love you. This applies to any form of relation that you have in your life, may be a lover, your kids, your friends or any one .. 

How many times in life it has happed that you have texted someone and you keeping looking at the page to see a return message, you can see that person online for hours but still not reply to you. You can them meet but every time a new reason is give and you know that there are no such reasons. How many time have you rearranged your schedule to match it to her ? 

Never chase someone who only seems interested when she’s wasted. Never chase someone who only wants you for one thing. Never chase someone. Period. Because you should be with someone who wants you just as badly. Someone who realizes how fortunate she is to have found you. Someone who would never run away or avoid being caught. 

Do not send the third text when failed to get the answer for first two, do not wrap up your self in a jeans min you get a call from her that she wants to meet you. We end up sharing all such crazy small small things with our friends and family & at that time non of her friend even know who you are. She knows everything about you but you just know her till the extent of her name. STOP RITE HERE.

No one who cares for you is so busy that they will treat you as a second choice, in case you are being treated as a second choice, just hold on, recheck the entire situation, evaluate it again and take a step back. There is nothing wrong taking a step back today and not hurting your self tomo.

Such feelings are like sting from a scorpion, each time they will talk to you, you will get a attack of love and you will even move closer to them but at the end of the day sting is a sting and its poison. So never give attention to someone who pics and chooses when to give you attention and when to hold. 

Don’t be a puppet in her hand. Its no fun to you but only fun to her.

Never be with that kind of person who is too comfortable with you in private but not even looks at you in public. Don’t be a story of last minute cancellation for all her plans with you.

You should not settle for someone who thinks so little of you. You should not put yourself through that kind of pain, because you deserve to be someone’s first priority and their first thought every morning

Final note 

"I am done waiting to call you mine. I am not going to chase you any further. You already know how I feel about you. I have already shown you how serious I am about us. I don’t have anything else to tell you. I don’t have anything else to give you. I am finally done"

Women story

Their is a every day news on rape, a and lately we heard India announced as most unsafe country on Earth .. wow .. irritated

With lot of time and deep thought on all my readings and understanding till now, our society has always had a different opinion of women !!

If you think hard over the years, women have been the centre of all the torture, pain, punishment of men's wants for his power, jealousy, greed, differences etc. So, is she not facing all this for so called growth of men.

If you take all the mythology, Weapons were raised by men and sufferer were  women. May be in form of loosing their husband's n son or may be raped by others as they were slaves to the king who won them and no one had power to oppose as the king was treated as god. Post that whenever religion ritos also happened women have been treated in the most inhuman ways leading to death of morality.

I have heard so many times that mahabharta happened because dropadhi laughed at druyodhan or ramayan happened because sita got kidnapped. But no one blames the greed of power that duryodhan wanted or greed of beauty that ravana got attracted to or stiffness of men to bend the social rules previaling at that point of time. Men can do whatever, he can drink, have 4 wife's, he can ask her to give various tests to prove her loyalty or he can bet her on a game of cards !!  everything is correct ?? but if a girl does any thing like this she is termed with various different names.

Traditionally what a women gains in her life is just the greed and anger of the men around her. All these only forms the barriers in the freedom of women. I am not a feminist but I feel that god never made any difference between men and women, we only decided the difference based on her giving and loving nature. We decided she never speaks for her self so let's dominate her more. We decided she can't work outdoor. We decided that she is less than us. This WE is nothing but the greed of power in us.

If we want this society to grow, we need to drop this power and come to an equilibrium or may be I would recommend to treat her at a higher grade then us as our existence is only because of her, but ya, if with technology men could start producing and go around doing all nonsense acts on a women to fullfill his physical need then it is some other story altogether ..

It's time to think and take corrective actions or else world is going towards the end, let this be not the reason for increased imbalance in the society !!

Women comes to us in many different forms: godess, mother, sister, daughter, nurse, teacher, maid, doctor, fellow colleagues etc etc. Make it a motto to respect her in each version she comes to you

#women #rape #peace #torture #greed #man #missionsaftey #missionimmpossible

he always have a plan for you

When you ask for happiness and you find yourself drifting away from the people you love, he’s telling you that these are not the people to surround yourself with because they drain you. Why !!!

Today, I was walking in woods at the time when sun was setting. Lots of thoughts were flowing here and there and then I realized that I really have no control on what I feel or what I think. What ever said and done the show maker has some plans and world only moves as per his plans. Yes, exactly you believe it or not he always has a plan ready for you. He shall always open a new door for you, that would lead to happiness and peace. The new door also might have pain but for the first moment when you step out of your old pain you always feel peace. Don’t you ? check it for yourself.

So, how does he plan. Do you take a medicine of which expiry date is over, no na, in similar fashion in all his plans there is a preset expiry limit accompanied with a new plan. So a even will stay in you life only till I specific time till its expiry does not get over. He know when to switch off and switch on. He is a master player and before you are on a point of complete give up he will change the plan and give you something new to think. He does all the planning work for us because he knows what amount of pain we can take.

Now question comes why my pain more and his less, that’s all because he know that what is the limit of yours. He has already set the quota of pain. Its just like if you fix a dog tail to a horse, how will horse look ? same ways what pain is designed for you its for you only knowing you capacity of taking it.

To this you may feel that what bad karma I might have done that I am being punished so much, but like is like your height and weight. Pain wont grow more than your height but if you gain more weight it will be always difficult to manage the pain, hence pain is limited but the way you mange that is unlimited. Trust me, its very hard to understand what he thinks and what he plans, but he wont leave you alone. He will surely send someone near you to help you move, inspire and move.

So, trust me he is somewhere there hiding from us but surely listing to everybit of our prayers and looking at us but he will give as per his plans and in his own way. His execution may be very different from your expectation but outcome will be much better then what you could have planned for yourself. So better surrender and just have faith that everything will be good and happy.

Taboo: being girl

This is actually not a taboo, but much bigger subject and I don’t think my thoughts could ever match the quality of writing need for this topic .. but still will make effort ..

More I read / think about this more I feel being born as girl in country like India is curse then any boon. History says that earth is mother and there are so many goddesses but still this country which is vastly dominated by Hindu fail to respect the origin of mankind that's women.

Is mother earth mother only for army so that they can shout "maa" while firing? we need to realize as a country we have always failed to recognize the importance of girls. I would like to break the discussion in multiple life cycle of a girl, hope that will make more sense to understand where we are going wrong / right ..

Childhood: from the day when a girl is born. a) she is hated by every one in the family because in the country where we worship lakshmi maa as godess of money, we attach birth of women with outflow of money. From the childhood girls are thought that the home in which they are born is not their own home but their own home will be the one in which they get married i.e. their inlaws / husband home. They are though that they will have to adjust to each and every thing that comes on their why in their so called "original home". From childhood she always gives and is expected to give for her entire life and from there it self story of her pain start .. lack of freedom, lack of education thats what gifted to her by their own family.

Teenage: this is the time when a child grows from a kid to a girl, to be honest this is most difficult phase though no may agree to it. Here girl passes through major changes in physical structure and for sure it’s the most difficult process in her life. She here learns to manage the menstrual cycles. She here learns that she is so different from the other sex. She has a set of breast that are quite heavy to carry which no guy has to carry & she bleeds from the place which she is supposed to always hide. The old question that comes to her is why me !! actually why .. why do girls have to face it & that to every month. Some how she adjusts to the terrible pain she gets every month and goes to the next phase of womenhood.

Womenhood: womenhood consists of various sub stages, like form know that she is a women to marriage to motherhood to being a wife. Don’t know each stage of women hood is like worth a epic in her self. She understands that she is now a girl and why does the guys look at her assets. She understands that now she will be some one’s lover / gf / wife etc. She understands that for the first time when she will let a guy enter her and she will suffer terrible pain and blood will come out but she will still do anything to make the man happy. Is it ever imp that is guy a virgin but everyone wants her wife or gf to be virgin. Please acknowledge to the fact that she had sex with the person whom she loved the most that moment and there is nothing wrong in that.

Today she knows that she has to get married and drop the second name she used to use for past so many years and now to be called as Mrs xyz, not even her own name. Why the fuck a girl needs to do this? why a guy can’t do that ? will a guy ever leave his family and stay in a girls house ? if its love both love correct not only the girl. After all this mental harassment she will now become a mother and get a useless kid in the world who won’t even care that her / his mom had suffered so much pain just to get it out. I have never understood it till day.  Like managing a half grown human as her husband, then a kid, her job or being a housewife. Guys we will go mad if some-one kicks our balls slightly, a girls life is full of such kicks throughout all her day. Day we guys understand that we will start to love her the way she wants n not the way the society has thought us.

A girl faces so many challenges throughout her life. Like we need to realize one thing that when world was made and men dominated it, all the rules of life were set to match the need of a man and nowhere needs of a women were even talked about. Today if we stand up and ask for that its called feminist. Its not that. We are living with set pattern of rules since ages and now if this generation of women wants to changes this rule no one is ready to help her. Like why? like why guys can go to a prostitute center and girl cant? I just don’t understand, I know it’s a bad example. But we men just understand this language. I am not a person who says women needs to be on the top of the tree but honestly I don’t even have a problem with that. I don’t see any reason that why she can’t earn more than me.

We have one life and this is the life where we can change things. We need to understand that we need to respect the identity of the unsaid power that she possesses which is just impossible for a man to have.

I want to write so much more on it and I know this is nowhere to the standard where I need the audience to feel the need to respect a woman but still I am happy that I attempted this.